2018 was a hard year. Am I in a better place now than I was a year ago? I don’t know. A year ago I had a boyfriend who I loved more than anyone else in the entire world. A year ago I couldn’t imagine being where I am now. I thought we would be together forever, and I was wrong. I would love to be there.
I was happier.
But.
Ugh, but.
There is a reason I am not there. There is a reason I am not with him anymore. There is a reason I am where I am now. There is a reason I am who I am now.
I want to focus on my relationship. That’s what I wish I had. That’s what I thought I wanted. But that is not the most important thing right now. That is not important, it’s gone.
I am more alone than I ever have been before. I am by myself (that’s the definition of alone right?), and so I am standing on my own two feet more than ever before.
I hate it.
To be honest.
I hate it.
I hate being alone
I hate being single
I hate not having someone to call when I am crying, tell all my silly jokes to
I hate not feeling loved
But that is okay. I am finding myself. I am finding out who I am based when I am by myself. I am finding out who I want to be I am finding out who I want to think about at night.
I miss my guy. I miss my best friend, but I don’t need him. I will be stronger when this is done. I will come out a winner and that is what matters. I wanted to do this with him, but now I see that wasn’t possible. I was asking too much, I can’t expect that much from anyone except myself, because I am the strongest, and I will survive this mess. I know I will.