So I got dropped by my fifth friend this year. Well, Benni was last year and then Cin came back kind of, but yeah. That happened. I mean, I lost three in January and that hurt like hell, so it’s not that bad. It almost didn’t hurt this time. Almost. Like, what is that. I want to say how does this keep happening, but that isn’t even it. How do I have so many people who are so close? Why do I find them in the first place if they only exist to leave me? Will the pattern ever stop repeating itself?
I guess I know that answer to most of those. Or, rather, I don’t need to know the answer. They might keep leaving me. I have people now (or rather, person, and I hate it) and he could leave. That’s okay. That’s okay. I’m here to live my life as best I can as long as I can and then that’s it. And then I’m done, and we are done and someone else might be there to take his place and I might have to be the one who is there to take his place, it might just be me I might be the only one there.
That’s enough. I’m enough. This last year was good enough, even with all the pain, if my life doesn’t get better if this is all I have I want it again. I want the highs even if I have to go through the lows. The highs are worth it. I can’t say that the lows aren’t that bad, because they are. They are hell, my life is hell sometimes. And, honestly, I think they wouldn’t hurt as much if they were all I had. If all I knew was the pain, I don’t know how I would know how bad it hurts. At the same time, if I didn’t have the pain, how would I know how good I can feel sometimes?
You’d think, sooner or later my heart would harden. Sooner or later I wouldn’t be able to feel that much because I’ve been hurt too badly. I don’t know. I really don’t know. Three people have broken my heart. Three people left me as I was still calling their name, and that hurt. Two of them I didn’t really let back in. The third broke it at least three times in his own right. That hurts, and I forgave him. It hurt and I forgave him again, it still hurts.
That’s who I am though. I’m a roller coaster, and no matter how much you love it, eventually you have to step off. I’m thrilling, that’s what I am. Yayy. Chances that I find someone for real forever are slim. But I’ve got me, I have my pup, and that will have to be good enough no matter what.
I got dropped by another close friend today.