Cost vs. Value

Let’s talk about how much something is worth. Is it how much you paid for it? Is it how much the ingredients themselves cost? What about labor cost? How does that factor in?

All these things matter, to some extent, but at the same time, none of them do. Once something is in your life, it only has whatever value it adds to your life. That depends on you.

Unfortunately, our brains have something to say about that. When you pay a lot for something, even if in the end it hurts you, your brain wants to make it work. The opposite is also true. When you get something for free, you don’t care about it as much.

This was just exemplified for me when I came to be the new owner of a free pizza. Brand new, perfectly fine, deliciously edible pizza. Instead of eating it right then, I put it in the fridge because I wanted to cook. The next night I went out to eat. The next I ordered in. And so on, because the value of this pizza was what I had paid for it: nothing.

At least, that’s what part of me wanted to say. Instinctively, the pizza wasn’t worth anything to me. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t pay for it.

Wasting this pizza didn’t take money out of my pocket in the same way buying a pizza and not eating it would have. Wasting this pizza didn’t cost me a penny… in the exact same way finding $5 on the street and then accidentally throwing it away didn’t cost me a penny. I didn’t lose anything I wouldn’t have otherwise, but I did lose something.

This time it was only a pizza. Next time, who knows what it will be.

Once again, I don’t know what is happening with my life

Time to start blogging again. Obviously, I didn’t stick to my resolution, which, as you see, resulted in absolutely nothing from me. I have been writing more. I actually have a short story in the works, which I swear will be published before the year is out. Actually, it should be published before April if I am being honest with myself. I just need to be editing it. Anyway, keep an eye out for that. I don’t have a title yet tho, so we will definitely see where it goes.

Today I don’t have too much going on. I did walk the dog for about a mile today, so that is really good. I have learned a lot since starting my dog journey, and that is a good thing. My parents started out with their dogs and it seemed like everything was easy with them. For me… not so much. Some of it is I have a trickier dog, some of it is parts of my life make my dog more dependent, and some of it are things that I did wrong (not crate training is a big example). Another is free feeding. I have never had a dog that wouldn’t eat, and as I was living on my own with no other pets to consume the uneaten food, I saw no reason not to free feed. I mean, that was the only way I could get him to eat anyway.

News flash: bad idea. I started with a food unmotivated dog, and I just wrecked his food drive. Free feeding was about the worst thing I could have done in that situation. The sad thing is, I even asked a vet. I knew I was doing something wrong, so I went to a person in charge to ask them if it was okay. They said it was fine as long as he was eating.

Nope. Don’t do it, folks. Don’t free feed. It isn’t worth it.

well it is an eve

The last day of 2018. That’s hard, I guess. Another year passing, I don’t know if anything has changed for the better. I love my dog. I love my dog. He is a life saver, literally. He is my baby.

I really don’t have that much to say, because the break is hard. I am kind of floating and not really doing too much. Worked with the pup pup, and I came up with a plan for the next month of training. I want to focus on getting a routine down, that’s a big one, and focusing on cementing the things he knows, so sit, down, crate. Those he has pretty well, heel and stay needs more work as always, and then adding focus and paws up (front paws on my arm/leg).

He has the best sit of any boy, and I just want to work on getting his other skills as solid as his amazing sit. Come also needs work as it is definitely the most important skill for a pup and he is so bad at it, so we have a training sequence worked out.

Doing the same thing every day probably isn’t the best thing to make him all flexible and stuff, but it’s a starting place.

Other than that I’m moving forward. Getting ready for the new year. I am at a sticky part of my life. I love me, I do. At least, I think that I do. I’m not actually that sure. I’ve been writing more, and that is fabulous. If I can keep it up for the whole next year that would be amazing. We will see. One day at a time. One day at a time. Just getting little things in order, starting with writing. That’s it. Writing the dumb stupid words.

Happy New Year. See you in 2019.

losing another friend

So I got dropped by my fifth friend this year. Well, Benni was last year and then Cin came back kind of, but yeah. That happened. I mean, I lost three in January and that hurt like hell, so it’s not that bad. It almost didn’t hurt this time. Almost. Like, what is that. I want to say how does this keep happening, but that isn’t even it. How do I have so many people who are so close? Why do I find them in the first place if they only exist to leave me? Will the pattern ever stop repeating itself?

I guess I know that answer to most of those. Or, rather, I don’t need to know the answer. They might keep leaving me. I have people now (or rather, person, and I hate it) and he could leave. That’s okay. That’s okay. I’m here to live my life as best I can as long as I can and then that’s it. And then I’m done, and we are done and someone else might be there to take his place and I might have to be the one who is there to take his place, it might just be me I might be the only one there.

That’s enough. I’m enough. This last year was good enough, even with all the pain, if my life doesn’t get better if this is all I have I want it again. I want the highs even if I have to go through the lows. The highs are worth it. I can’t say that the lows aren’t that bad, because they are. They are hell, my life is hell sometimes. And, honestly, I think they wouldn’t hurt as much if they were all I had. If all I knew was the pain, I don’t know how I would know how bad it hurts. At the same time, if I didn’t have the pain, how would I know how good I can feel sometimes?

You’d think, sooner or later my heart would harden. Sooner or later I wouldn’t be able to feel that much because I’ve been hurt too badly. I don’t know. I really don’t know. Three people have broken my heart. Three people left me as I was still calling their name, and that hurt. Two of them I didn’t really let back in. The third broke it at least three times in his own right. That hurts, and I forgave him. It hurt and I forgave him again, it still hurts.

That’s who I am though. I’m a roller coaster, and no matter how much you love it, eventually you have to step off. I’m thrilling, that’s what I am. Yayy. Chances that I find someone for real forever are slim. But I’ve got me, I have my pup, and that will have to be good enough no matter what.

I got dropped by another close friend today.

Ramblings plus a little intro and expectations

December 28, 2018

Today happened. Not that much actually happened so it is hard for me to say anything. This is hard. So, well, here is what I am trying to do here. I am trying to write about my life. I am trying to write 500 words a day about what is going on in my life. Some days won’t be too interesting. Honestly, most days won’t be too interesting. That’s okay. This isn’t for you, this is for me, so here’s hoping I keep it up.

Why would anything actually be interesting? Welp, I am living with a variety of mental health issues. I don’t want to get into that now, but that’s fine. If one person reads this and finds out they aren’t alone that would be great. If no one reads this, that’s totally fine too. This is for me and it’ll make me feel better. Also, hopefully itll make me a better writer. It’s about quantity not quality at this stage in the game, so sorry. You aren’t supposed to share your rough stuff but I’m doing it anyway. Look at me I’m cool.

So let’s talk new year’s resolutions. I like who I am, let’s just start off right there with that. I love me. I love who I am, I love what I do and what I look like, and I don’t actually want to change anything. But, and this is a big BUT, when I stop trying to improve I tend to slide backwards, and that isn’t okay, so I am giving myself some goals. I don’t know how long they will last, and that’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m okay.

So, goals. I have two categories: writing and health. One from each category is good enough for me, so let’s go.

Writing: 500 words here OR (inclusive) 500 words in my book AND 20 words in my russian journal OR a page in my gratitude journal.

Health: Walk the dog at least a mile everyday AND the warm up sequence OR some other light exercise routine OR walk the dog another mile.

This isn’t 500 words. 500 words is about a page. UGhhh

That counts as a word. Heh. that might be a lot of this just the random words. They happen, okay? They happen to all of us, and the more there are here the fewer people will read this. That’s fine. No one has to read this. No one at all. Also probably no one will so we are fine. This is going to be so random. Do i think by any miracle I am at 500 words? Nope. I don’t. Let’s check anyway.  445, so actually not that far away. This is a dumb goal, but at least I am writing, right? Ugh ugh ugh. Let’s do this. This could be interesting. Eventually. I’ll label it well so people don’t have to read the days that are this bad. But also I can read these days if I really want too….. I won’t. This is trash, but it’s okay. I need to get it out. And it is out. We are over 500. Yes, I’m cool. Thank you.

Quick reflection of 2018

2018 was a hard year. Am I in a better place now than I was a year ago? I don’t know. A year ago I had a boyfriend who I loved more than anyone else in the entire world. A year ago I couldn’t imagine being where I am now. I thought we would be together forever, and I was wrong. I would love to be there.

I was happier.

But.

Ugh, but.

There is a reason I am not there. There is a reason I am not with him anymore. There is a reason  I am where I am now. There is a reason I am who I am now.

I want to focus on my relationship. That’s what I wish I had. That’s what I thought I wanted. But that is not the most important thing right now. That is not important, it’s gone.

I am more alone than I ever have been before. I am by myself (that’s the definition of alone right?), and so I am standing on my own two feet more than ever before.

I hate it.

To be honest.

I hate it.

I hate being alone

I hate being single

I hate not having someone to call when I am crying, tell all my silly jokes to

I hate not feeling loved

But that is okay. I am finding myself. I am finding out who I am based when I am by myself. I am finding out who I want to be I am finding out who I want to think about at night.

I miss my guy. I miss my best friend, but I don’t need him. I will be stronger when this is done. I will come out a winner and that is what matters. I wanted to do this with him, but now I see that wasn’t possible. I was asking too much, I can’t expect that much from anyone except myself, because I am the strongest, and I will survive this mess. I know I will.